I often encourage the boys I counsel to take a minute to stop and reflect…To build self-awareness, to be intentional and to slow down for a moment so they can notice even the smallest gifts throughout their day. I don’t do this nearly enough, but I am grateful I took a few minutes to reflect on my day here at Daystar as I sat down to write this letter to you.
Today’s schedule was full of adolescent boys, as this is the population I work with the most these days. As I thought back on my interactions with boys from today, I saw that they are all asking similar questions. “Am I the only one who feels these things?” “Am I going to be okay?” “Do I have what it takes?” I imagine we can all relate to these questions from different phases of our lives, especially adolescence. I know I can. They yearn for these questions to be answered, yet so often they are trying to conceal those fearful and vulnerable parts of themselves. I do my best to provide a safe space for them to process and vocalize these things and it certainly helps a lot of them. Yet…sometimes they need more. They need to hear from other boys their age that they are not alone.
After my individual appointments, I had my 9th and 10th grade group. We jumped in and picked back up on a conversation that started a few weeks ago at the boys’ request. They asked if we could talk about shame. How courageous was that?! A group of adolescent boys were longing to open up and reveal those parts of themselves that they spend so much time and energy trying to conceal. We began talking about what shame is and the messages it sends to us. We then moved towards talking about the gifts of shame…How if we choose to be courageous with others and reveal these parts of ourselves, we can experience an intimacy and connection with others that is so much deeper. Through this courage, we begin to see that we are not alone.
I asked the boys if there was anyone who wanted to share about their own shame. It was very quiet at first. The boys looked around at each other, waiting for one boy to be brave enough to jump in first. After a minute or two, one boy spoke up and shared so honestly about his own experience with shame. The rest of the boys leaned forward as his words validated their own experience. After he finished, the rest of the boys began to share, relate and encourage each other. Their body language shifted from slouching, staring at the table or floor…to looking up, looking each other in the eyes, leaning forward, allowing themselves to finally be seen by one another.
During this group they got to experience they are not alone and they are not so different from the boys sitting next to them. I could feel the relief they experienced during this time, being reminded they are not in this all by themselves anymore. We are in it together. By the end of group, there was a lightness in each boy that wasn’t there before. I could see it and feel it as they got up from the table, playfully joking and talking with each other as they walked out the door to go home. A little less alone.
Your contribution helped provide this experience and so many others like it for countless children at Daystar. Please know how grateful we are for you and your generous support.
Tommy Hart, LMSW
Boys’ Counselor
